Inspired by ~this~ a hillarious blog parody (hillarious if you are a blogosphere geek, that is, but it would give the necessary context for this piece), I have made my own “guide”:
I will amaze you with my words. You cannot understand what I am saying. You are becoming sleepy. You will do as I say. Something about technology. Something about theology. Something really deep about technology and theology that you can’t understand. Politics. Politics. Politics. Why is the US so stupid? Link link link. Links to politics. Link to technology. Please stop sending me hatemail. What kind of loser must you be to send me hatemail? Something else you can’t understand.
Church. Church. Church. I work in the church. The church sucks. Sometimes. Wait, no, I love the church. I’m Canadian. Politics. What’s wrong with the world? Where’s the love? Nasty fundie xians please go away and stop leaving nasty comments and sending hatemail. Did I mention I’m Canadian? Church. Hockey. Yes! Why can’t we all just play hockey in church?
I am a soft cuddly little plush toy. See? Here’s a pic that proves it. Women want to squeeze me. Self-respecting women would want to squeeze me, if there were any out there. Woman want rough men, apparently. I’m screwed. But I’m ok with it, really. New York City. Brooklyn to be precise. Brooklyn Brooklyn Brooklyn. Did I mention my life in Brooklyn? Took the ftrain home. Got on NPR. Couple times. Please cuddle with me?
I am a soft cuddly Texan. Don’t judge Texas. Look at me! I’m a Texan and I’m short and cuddly. Comics. Comics. Comics. Comics will save the world. Thank you.
I am an unbelievably charming British guy married to an unbelievably hot Swedish woman. All those impossibly handsome, suave British guys in those impossibly cool, make-all-women-swoon British movies? They’ve got nothing on me. I am moving to Italy because I can. I am so cool that I don’t have to prove that I’m cool to anyone, and that makes me more cool.
And let’s get this one out of the way before someone else does:
I live in Sarajevo. See? Pictures prove I live in Sarajevo. Sarajevo is possibly the coolest town in the world. No, it sucks. No, wait, I love it here. I’m an artist. Ar-teest. Down with the man! Down with record labels! Someday we’ll all live happily ever after in one big cuddly artist commune. Artists will never be hungry again. In the meantime you’re fucked and down with Madonna. (Heh-heh. I said “fucked.”) Oh. But I’ll be ok. Miriam. I love Miriam. She’s really smart, really sexy, and she makes money so we don’t go hungry. Link link link. Technology technology technology. I’m making this product. Really, I am. Really. I mean it this time…
I have no idea why I used the word “cuddly” so many times in this post. I swear I never used that word before, and I swear to never use it again. Again, please accept my apologies.