Sometimes you just have to jump down that wormhole to see where it leads. Sometimes you have to follow the shadow into the filthy room just to see what kind of furniture is in there. Sometimes you have to open the door to death just to see what form she takes tonight. Sometimes you have to fold yourself inside out just to see what lies at the deep dark spot in the middle.
We always say we won’t change, but we do. We always say we will love forever, but we don’t. We always say we’d rather die young than grow old, but we wouldn’t. We always say we need a change but we’ll run, scared, as soon as change rears its ugly head.
We search and search for that one thing, but we’ll never find it. We’ll never find the love that lasts a lifetime. We’ll never find the person that perfectly suits us. We’ll never find the comfort level we desire. We’ll never find the fame and adoration we seek.
Because we will refuse to love for a lifetime. Because we do not perfectly suit anyone else. Because we deny contentment. Because our need for adoration and affection cannot be satiated.
We will write, we will read; we will sing, we will dance; we will be robbed, we will steal; we will give false directions, we will be beguiled; we will lead, we will follow; we will cook, we will eat; we will sleep, we will stay awake for days; we will travel, we will settle down in the country.
But we will never find what we seek.
I like how my demon hovers around me in its ethereal haze, like the fog off a November lake, like the Budweiser hanging off a fat man’s neck. It follows me around to all my local haunts and then comes home with me and sits on the only other chair in my hole. I burn a cigarette and it breathes deep the second hand smoke like it was the steam in a Norwegian sauna.
My angel goes with me wherever I go as well, drinking incessantly.