One of the main problems has been how completely unsatisfactory any attempts to create meaningful narrative around this situation are. Storytelling is one of the main activities of human beings, it’s how we construct meaning and make sense of our lives. (I could write more about this and reference a lot of material but I barely have time to publish this short post; and that is a big rabbit hole–I might end up making less sense than if I just leave it at the previous sentence.)
So when the bad days arrive, like I mentioned, like this last Saturday and a couple days in-between, this is what my brain immediately tries to do. It cycles through a lot of different thoughts and emotions very quickly but it typically ends up trying to construct some meaningful narrative to deal with all those thoughts and emotions. And it fails. It ends up simply sad, angry, lonely and frustrated that there is nothing to explain why it has to feel that way, why the best thing that ever happened to me was taken from me, why such a beautiful life ended so soon.
I saw an Einstein quote yesterday: “Subtle is the Lord, but malicious He is not.” I like that it was followed (at some point) with: “I have second thoughts. Maybe God is malicious.”*
* According to wikipedia, "as quoted in Einstein in America (1985) by Jamie Sayen, indicating that God leads people to believe they understand things that they actually are far from understanding"