I Was Able to Recognize that What Was Going on Was Madness and yet I Couldn't Stop the Waves...

Ezra Caldwell¹ posted an intimate and important² post that I want to both capture for my future reference and share with you:

Sitting there on the water I began to talk myself into a state of utter self loathing…An hour later, though, I found myself in a little sleeping cabin apart from the house, curled up in the fetal position completely catatonic. My mind was racing, and none of it good. I couldn’t imagine how, for instance, how I was going to be able to get back to NYC. (“Drive the rental car, you fool!” “I can’t possibly! I might drive it off the road and kill my wife in a state of self destructive insanity!”)…

From somewhere far back in my head, I watched myself go crazy. There was a part of me in there that found the whole thing fascinating. A part of me that was saying, “Ok Ezra…snap out of it. This is nonsense.” Intellectually I was able to recognize that what was going on was madness and yet I couldn’t stop the waves of very real emotions that were overwhelming me.

I had lost all confidence. The swagger and cockiness that held me together for the last 3 years simply vanished. I guess I had been waiting for that to happen…I was forced to recognize that without the arrogance, the thing that I really hate about myself, I simply fell apart. (I realize now, that I have about three years of justifiable falling apart to catch up on!)

Hill had been napping inside, and came out to find me. I couldn’t even speak. I managed finally to say, “Baby…I’m in serious trouble.”

Special Ed brought a bottle of bourbon out and helped me talk my way back to earth. I went inside and cooked dinner.

My friend and producer Salim Nourallah has a new record coming out this summer. Be on the lookout for it. This tune crossed my desk about the same time as Ezra’s post and seemed to just fit. Had a stressful day today, but it’s odd how not-really-stressful “normal” stress is to me now. Intellectually I know that circumstances are stressful, I even see it written across my friends’ faces…but my heart is less troubled. The scale has been re-calibrated after all.