Somehow in the last 9-10 months I’ve gone from managing (seemingly) almost nothing to managing (seemingly) everything. This had made me feel very old. Like somehow one hits some age where one looks around and realizes no one is in control here and instead of continuing about one’s life one takes control. And it all feels very overwhelming. I am now in a job with more responsibility (which, yea!), part (most?) of which is managing (three! just three people! it’s so much of my time). I manage the family finances. I plan and execute vacations. I am producing and releasing a record (way more work–when you’re doing it entirely on your own–than most people realize). I am managing a Minecraft server for a handful of 9 year old boys (which, OMFG!). I organize a weekly bike ride from a Facebook group that I’m trying to form into a proper road bicycle club. I’d like to actually blog more than once a month! My read later queue, for goodness sake.
This could go on for a while. With increasing levels of disbelief, frustration and rage.
And not only the things I’m directly involved in. Carissa manages the children–a whole pile of different things from “basic” (ha!) care-taking to schedules to meals to sport team logistics to doctor appointments–as well as her photography career and volunteering and her list also goes on and on.
The point being it’s all a little overwhelming and just staying on top of capturing everything that needs done is hard enough, let alone keeping up the energy to keep chipping away at the list! My really good days are those where I feel like everything has at least been captured, that I’m not forgetting some major thing that is going to mess up everything that is on a list. That I haven’t missed some deadline that is going to cost my family a lot of money or drama or even more time.
Like they say, there has to be a better way! But…is there? Do those people I see in fancy online videos really have their shit that together? Do my friends with no children, no mortgage, no significant other understand the embarrassment of riches they enjoy in terms of their own time, attention and opportunities? The older and more experienced I get the more I understand the answer to that question is no they definitely do not. I certainly didn’t.
And in there lies the rub. Loneliness takes its toll as well. It can precipitate many bad, time-consuming choices. Too many opportunities, or at least the ability to take them, spreads one too thin, and often one does a multitude of mediocre things.
Sure there are the exceptions we all aspire to be. The overachievers. But I bet they have their thing too, either now or in the future. And we just don’t know about it yet.
Lucy remains amazing. I’ve missed so much in terms of documenting said amazingness on this blog. But she plays the drums, holds impromptu dance parties, is affectionate, opinionated, demanding and just so darn cute no one can even stand it, and I keep double checking my own prejudice against 3rd party exclamations of the same!
(Seriously, just go follow my wife on Instagram.)