Foxhole Notes

COVID-19 is completely out of control and no one seems to care. It’s pretty easy to see that January 2021 is going to be a very dark month and that it might be 2022 before things return to normal, and by then there could be another coronavirus ravaging humanity. My April post about numbers was so naive about how bad things could get. It could become the 2nd biggest killer of Americans ever, only outdone by the Civil War. How appropriate given the politicization of the whole mess.

Everything’s terrible and no one is leading us and we can’t get any signal for the noise. It feels like we’re under siege, we are under siege, and the enemy is invisible and right outside our door every day when we have to go buy soap or gasoline.

Meanwhile, my neighbors are having Christmas parties.

There have been some fun card games played in the foxholes, under the dim lights of our screens.

I organized a weekly Zoom call with my parents. It’s the most regularly we’ve ever talked. It’s delightful. They’ve thanked me numerous times for hosting it. Why didn’t we talk more before?

Earlier in the year one of the engineering managers from my last job organized a bi-monthly-most-months D&D game, so once or twice a month I get to see four of my old coworkers and we laugh at each other’s wit and slay monsters and train giant frogs and obtain magical tridents. I’m reminded of how special that team is. None of them have left despite the turmoil of being acquired. They’re overworked and underappreciated but they’re united by something special that I like to think I had a hand in conjuring.

I’m not exactly public about this aspect of my life (I ticked over five years sober exactly a week ago), but I recently discovered a noon AA meeting that immediately became my favorite meeting ever. We also all laugh at each other’s wit, and learn from each other. There are two older couples and I want them to be my aunts and uncles, or maybe at least extra godparents. Every day that I make it to that meeting I end up writing down little bits of wisdom or humor.

These kids would steal hubcaps off of moving cars.

We’re trying to take care of ourselves and leave people alone.

I’ve learned how to be a smarter dog.

The people I’m trying to control are out having a good time, and I’m at home wringing my hands because they’re not doing what I want them to.

When our condition is dependent on the actions of another person, when we’re in that limbo, that’s a tough place to be.

Meetings like this keep me right-sized. (But) by 1:30 I could be out directing traffic.