Ol Skool

_A couple of months ago, my keyboard died. This, my friends, was a sad event. 101 keys is precisely where it’s at – it’s the optimal balance of features and precision. Any less, it’s incomplete; any more and you have a device that’s littered with dangerous finger landmines that can easily pop-up an OS dialog in the middle of a life and death rocket duel.

So, it was with great trepidation that I trekked down to my local computer emporium to purchase a new one. Needless to say, it was a great disappointment.

When I’m typing, I like people in the next room to think that they’re under siege by an M240G machine gun. I like keys with a spring action that could launch a small Russian satellite into low earth orbit. Furthermore, the whole assembly has to weigh enough to cause a small bulge in the fabric of space- time. Cheap plastic knock-offs from Crapco don’t have this. They do have buttons that can change the volume on your lawnmower and open up the preferences menu in your dwarf throwing simulator, but no machine gun audio, orbital action, or gravity multiplying sturdiness.

As desperate as I was, however, I had to fork out for one of these flimsy knockoffs and then struggle to type on it for the next two weeks – its featherweight build moving all over the desk, its confoundingly placed shortcut keys reducing productivity by an estimated 47%._